18 Feb and 12 Dec the unforgettable dates in my life. 18 Feb started with a new life and 12 Dec everything that got started simply ended. However its worth to take time off and reflect, I thought.
Since 2012 , my nieces and nephews grew taller and older (from toddlers to kids , to teenagers), younger sisters, brothers got married and now have babies, relatives and friends moved from one city to another, some friends and relatives disconnected from me, but I met new people and life is moving ahead – slowly and steadily but its moving in its own way.
What has not changed for all the while is me and my loneliness….
Abuse and Divorce were the ones to introduce me to new friends of mine, who I know will remain loyal to me and will be by my side till my last breath…I welcomed these friends wholeheartedly.
I was aware about things like abuse and divorces, but like any other woman never experienced it till I got married to the man I loved, to the man I committed my life to. The ultra short marriage of only 50 days, the physical and mental abuse I underwent in those 50 days and the entire year of the divorce proceedings tore me apart and have left wounds which still are not healed and may never heal. I still think what went wrong, why did the marriage break, did I not try enough to save my marriage for which I invested my 3 and half years being in relationship with this man. What was my mistake – was it loving this man , was it marrying this man and many such questions , I still wonder and have come to acceptance that I’ll never find an answer.
During the separation period I read a lot about abusive behaviors, the personality disorders, the probable causes for such behaviors, and also the consequences of being in abusive marriage / relationship. It was a very tough decision to make, but I chose the safety of my life over my marriage.
I also completely forgave him for his abusive behavior towards me. Although this process of forgiveness was a lengthy one, but I’m glad that I finally have no remorse, no vengeance towards him, after all he is my love. Yes I admit to myself – I still love him and for some reasons beyond my rational understanding, I’ll continue to love him till my last breath.
Love is always free and unconditional and as some say “Blind” !
He, on the other hand moved on very swiftly, probably without feeling guilty about the way he shattered my life. So , the man changed his email addresses, his social networking profiles etc…which to me indicates only something that is false, lies, and a masked personality.
And this is what makes me ponder – how we as human beings can change so quickly, we embrace and love somebody and then suddenly for some incomprehensible reasons, we throw them out of our lives like a dirt and quickly move on with life as if nothing happened, as if we did not do anything wrong.
Why are we not cognizant about what psychological impact our actions and words will have on other person. May be if we understand this , a lot of abuse can be avoided, a lot of divorces can be avoided.
Human beings are social animals is what I studied in school but then why we destroy each other in numerous ways? As per Indian mythology, this is the “Kaliyug” which has made us very selfish, power hungry, greedy for money …. God alone knows how long this will continue.
So, now what about me – well I’m still recovering from the 3 year old SHOCK and do not know to what extent I might recover. But I have my wonderful friends with whom I can safely sail my life thorough :
Loneliness – my first best friend who taught me to introspect
Memories – my second best friend. Bitter, Sweet, Ugly, Scary they are still mine 🙂
Imagination – my third best friend which makes me think – what if I was still married to him, of course I paint a positive picture of we being still together and happy!… the one I imagined before my marriage. Yeah , one can say I day dream about him but… that is what it is.